Dear family, friends and (ex)colleagues/acquaintances,
I am sorry if you asked me how I was doing and I lied to you saying that “I was ok”.
I am sorry if you wanted more time with me but I just simply couldn’t make it.
I am sorry if you asked me “what would you like to do now?” and instead of answering “I don’t know” I came up with no clear answers and left you feeling a little lost.
I am sorry if we were celebrating something important in your life but I felt no joy, I was present but my mind and thoughts were somewhere else.
I am sorry for whatever I did that seemed odd to you and that probably confused you…
…survival mode made me do it…
Survival mode was a natural response from my brain after Max’s passing. It helped me get through the day, it was trying to keep me safe by being defensive.
I didn’t know exactly what to think, feel or do. It felt as if I was “outside” of my own life.
I couldn’t truly engage and fully enjoy my daily life, I could function “normally” but almost nothing felt “safe”, or important, or relevant, I felt a bit numbed and my view of the future was gone.
It took a while trying to figure out ways to help myself, soothe myself, find ways to re-charge my energy and enter the “learning mode” again in order to see the world and feel like myself again.
Survival mode isn’t bad but it can be dangerous if we stay in it too long. It won’t allow you to re-charge and experience life as it is.
It will constantly bring you back to the damage, to the fear. It won’t allow you to integrate what happened and see life as it now.
In some cases, staying too long in survival mode can push you to abuse food, alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. This is obviously not a healthy way to get out of survival mode.
If you are currently in survival mode and you are worried about your mental health, please let me assure you that you are healthier than you think, that this won’t last forever.
The fact that you are already reading this and that you are probably finding ways to understand why you are feeling how you are feeling is an important step.
Keep moving, keep taking the steps as feels right for YOU. You might not feel like one, but you are a true warrior.
If you know someone who is currently living in survival mode, please give or send your friend a big (virtual) hug, let them know you are there unconditionally. Send them hope, strength, peace and loving vibes in thoughts.
Love, Yolanda.
Ps. If you feel stuck in survival mode, please don’t wait too long and let worry take over your life. Let’s plan a free 30min call together. Please send me an email: info@yolandacastellon.com
I’m here for you!